she was cuffed to the truth

can't all my work do itself so I can browse porn and think about boys?

well, that was a year, wannit? I feel like I should do like, a reflective post about how my life changed, but it's too big for that. I can't even decide if it was a good or bad year. I mean, objectively it was horrid, there was violence so I had to face the abuse thing, marriage fell apart, total fucking poverty. OTOH, I confronted the abuse thing, got out of that fucking marriage, and got through the year without getting evicted.

Also got to start living without so much fear and getting to live a more honest life in which I can make my own choices. So yeah, pretty good year.

I'm, um, 700 dollars short on december's fucking rent yet once my check gets here. My mom is basically splitting her xmas money with me, she pays, I shop, we split who gives what to the kids, so christmas is okay, but I don't have the fucking rent because I had to pay the power bill last month. I can't do this. I've been trying not to have a breakdown over it, but that shit is slipping now. I can not get caught up, even with all of the help people have given. What I get at tax time is going to all go to pay what I'll be short on rent through the spring, so I won't be able to put anything aside for moving money. I fucking refuse to lose my shit over money, but I have never been this fucked for this long before, with the kids depending on me, so it's getting harder and harder to not get depressed over it. I just get further behind every month.

I'd still rather be scared about money than scared about him though, so it'll all be okay.

Z just called because he found a decent condition free full size mattress for me! FUCK MY FUTON! FUCK IT!

I'm still just fucked, yeah, still short on last months rent, don't know how long my landlady will be patient. When Z pays me his share next week, I will have last month paid and have a little of december, so things could be worse. It's getting close enough to tax time that even if all hell breaks loose and I get an eviction notice, I could have the money for my landlord by the time we'd get to court, and I know she doesn't want to evict me. So I am not going to fucking panic just by thinking about money, I am only temporarily completely fucked. I mean, it's bad, but not end of the world bad. This is either denial or optimism. Either way, it is keeping me from losing my shit.

I may have found a legit backup source of work, too, which may be able to bring in just enough to make the difference if I can pull it off.

so, I went to bed at 8:30 last night. I just woke up. it is 2:30 in the afternoon. That was so much better than getting shit done, even with bad dreams.

that I may well be entirely fucked. I still only have part of november's rent, and no idea how I'm going to pay december. It's not even that Z isn't paying his share, it's that even with his share I just do not have enough to make this shit happen, and I had to keep the electric on this month and that came out of what I had for rent. None of my other income sources are panning out, and I am fucked.


So I'm fucking begging again. God I fucking hate this.

Stayed up til 5 to make my work deadline, but goddamnit, I made it this time.

they have carefully timed the occupy crack downs and orchestrated shit that outrages people, like macing little old ladies and wrecking books for the specific purpose of making sure EVERYONE is looking at that and not the SOPA bullshit. Just saying.