Harassment on my porch.

[maevele]

Okay, so my neighbors are nice enough guys, who sometimes have some buddies over and wind up out on the porch smoking. So, this afternoon, I went out there with my mom while she was over, and was chatting with one of the neighbors and then one of their friends came out, and he was just chatting, friendly, whatever. He's a little older than me, so I didn't think twice about him being friendly. Then he touches my tattoo, and says, "hey, I like that" and we talked about tattoos, and I went in. I went back out after my mom left, and they're all still out there, and the same guy starts talking to me, and says how much he likes my hair. And then tells me how sexy he thinks my hair is. Mind you, my head is shaved, except for my bangs, so I don't have, like, hotchyck hair. and then says something about how he shouldn't say anymore because he knows I have a husband, at which point I thank him. and then asks how my husband likes my hair, and then re-iterates the whole sexy thing, telling me he knows I like hearing it. I'm just sitting there awkward and speechless, because I don't sit at the ready with clever comebacks when I go out on my fucking porch for a smoke, and my neighbor says, laughing, "hey, are you harassing the neighbor lady" to his friend, who looks at me. I say, "well, a little" and sorta laugh it off, and then get up and go in.

Anyhow, now I'm pissed. For one, that some fucker decided it was cool to try to pick me up on my own fucking porch, continued after I showed I wasn't interested, which to me is where it crosses into harrassment, and for two, that I didn't speak up right the fuck away, even with the old generic "EXCUSE ME? I must have heard you wrong, because it sounds like you're hitting on me, dude" I talked to Z, and he doesn't get it either, and when I asked him, as a guy, how many guys are pigs of one sort or another, he implied it was most of them.

And I have a question for any men reading this. What makes a guy think that's an okay way to behave? I know all the guys are going to say they don't act like that, but I bet at least one of your friends or acquaintances does, so seriously, wtf is up with it?

Comments

[chris462.livejournal.com]

Between this guy and my best friend's lame-o boyfriend, I really do not understand guys.

And, you know, I'm a guy.

[sneakthief.livejournal.com]

There's this invisible border into Weirdonia that a lot of men can't seem to find and therefor, don't know when they cross it. I'm usually looking out for it because I hate to be thought of as creepy or pathetic, but some guys just can't tell how far is how far. That's when it's up to you to tell them that the line is behind them.

[tupelo-lights.livejournal.com]

What's just as aggravating to me in those situations is the other guys who are around who don't say anything. "Hey are you harrassing her?" becomes a joke... in whose fucked up universe? And you're totally right. You don't have comebacks ready when you're just out on your porch. Sometimes, though, if you corner him at a later date when the laughter has died down and he figures you've forgotten about it you can really make him feel terrible. And you have prep time.

[lantry.livejournal.com]

First thought in my mind. Beer?

Anyway, it also sounds like the neighbor was actually intervening just enough to create a window for you to speak about it when he seemed to be making a joke, "hey, are you harassing the neighbor lady[?]". He may have been very aware that you were uncomfortable which is why he spoke up. But at the same time, he didn't want to create a confrontation with his friend more than nessisary, so he turned it into a joke, giving his friend a chance to back down gracefully, and/or you a chance to address it directly without seeming forceful, and thereby drawing the line without calling his friend out as an asshole in front of everyone. It's probably the way I would have initially handled such a thing.

Or, maybe he they really were both a couple of jerks. Only way to know is to wait and see if it happens again.

[leeoakfire.livejournal.com]

I was cruising your key words, and found this. Since you ask ... this behavior reminds me of my step-son's behavior. (not Ken's child -- my ex-wife's). I didn't have much of anything to do with raising him, but I have been attempting to re-parent him. This type of stuff has been a big issue for him and I to talk about. He claims that too many women get mad if he doesn't compliment them and flirt with him. He says they expect it and so he wants to give them what they want and be friendly. I tossed that shit back at him time and time again, until I actually watched him in public. Many women actually do want that type of attention. It kindof turned my stomach when I watched this behavior actually be successful, and figured out that many women really did seem to enjoy that type of attention. Even when I was out campaigning, and collecting signatures at MATC, he was successful at getting phone numbers from women on the green! It rapidly became a case of my having to try to teach him discretion, and to attempt to teach him to recognize signals when women wanted to be left alone. It helped a *lot* when a woman friend of mine got mad at him for saying something along the lines of a pick-up line. Problem was, he behaves like that so much that it has become second-nature to him, and he didn't even fully realize how offensive he had been. They really do think that women *want* to hear this type of stuff! And, that is based on so many women either coldly ignoring it, or positively responding. I don't even fully feel comfortable leaving this comment, as it seems like I am "blaming the victim". I am a radical feminist; I don't mean to be blaming women. All I can say is that the patriarachy has screwed up both genders, and we really do need to teach men that we do *not* like this type of attention. I am doing my best with my step-son, but he still irks me with this. Even the sons I have raised back him up when he starts saying women want to be flirted with, and will get mad at them if they don't.

On the other hand, some men are just plain assholes.

Ken says they get it from the media culture, and from watching too much television. It tells them that men should be constantly flirting with women, and it is okay to be a jerk to women because when you find the right one you will "fall in love" and quit being a jerk. So sad.