(no subject)

[maevele]

 I just went and looked up the post I made on the support board of the hardcore parenting board of doom the last time Z got physical with me in 2003, and I am now disgusted with excuses I made and the shit I said to justify staying with him.  And how he felt bad enough about it last time that i fucking pitied him for being so hurt that he hurt me, and he was going to get SO MUCH HELP and a few days later we were communicating SO MUCH BETTER because he finally could admit there was a problem and a bunch of the same shit I find myself saying in this case. FUUUUCK that shit.     I just realized from that post that the reason I went back to waiting tables from 2003 until pobo was born was because that way when it happened again and I'd have to leave, I could just get more hours instead of having to find a job while in crisis, and I had thought I could hide away money to have an escape fund.   Fucking a.   I had another kid with him after he didn't get better. 

 Yeah, this shit is probably over for good. He had his chance.    No matter how much better he gets, I won't take that risk again, fuck.    He's still talking a lot more about his traumatic childhood and how he couldn't help but be fucked up instead of what he did to me, so I don't expect shit.  

So now I have to look seriously at how I'm going to make it financially long term, because I can't keep living on internet donations, and my freelance writing job thing still doesn't even bring in the rent.  Brings in just over half the rent, now that she threw me extra work. I have to assume that once I stop coddling him he may stop giving me any more help than legally required to, and if that happens, my income and his support combined will add up to  a hundred bucks left after rent if I am lucky and they figure it on his gross income. Which sucks, but technically means the rent is covered.    If I can get a decent amount of work,  and get a shit ton of food stamps, and figure out a couple more ways to make money, I can maybe do this.  Fuck maybe. I can do this.  I have to.    I'll sling drugs if I have to.  It paid my rent a few times before I had kids. 

and god, how the internet's support has helped me.  Donations have been enough that with what I had,  I have the july rent, and he can use at least part of his next check to find a place.  I'm expecting him to still pay for a lot of the rent though, because I would like to hold on to what I have for when  he stops cooperating, and it's not like there aren't expenses beyond rent.  And just every day, more expressions of support come in, and more people tell me I'm doing the right thing and that I am strong, and it's making me believe it.   Thank you guys all so much.

Comments

[serene]

He's still talking a lot more about his traumatic childhood and how he couldn't help but be fucked up instead of what he did to me, so I don't expect shit.

YES.

You are mighty. Keep keeping on. You might start looking into a cheaper place to live, and/or roomshare situation, but whatever -- just keep keeping on. You can do this.

[maevele]

I can't really afford to move to a cheaper place. There's not much that's significantly cheaper with the right amount of bedrooms unless I move out of town or to an even less safe neighborhood, and they're too big to share a room. If I had a car I'd be more likely to think about giving up the place. Also, my landlord here is an old friend and I have some neighborhood support here, so like, this place has support built in that offsets some of the cost.

If it becomes unworkable though, I'll take moving back to a shitty neighborhood over taking him back.

[sparkymonster]

I know social services isn't always the answer, but have you gone in to check what you can get (if anything?) I ask in part because my roommate works in 'homelessness prevention' which is basically helping ppl get into more affordable housing or catch up on back rent. I don't know if there are similar programs in WI (esp with fucking Gov Fuckface Walker).

You're really moving forward and keeping your shit together. I don't know if it feels that way to you, but I see you making progress.

[jinian]

You can do it. I see you moving forward, too, like Sparkymonster says.

[maevele]

Here there are a couple of rent assistance emergency funds, but they can't do anything unless I get an eviction notice. Hell, between what thompson did to welfare here and what walker is doing now, I'm happy to have insurance and maybe some food stamps. Even if the resources were still there, with the hoops that are set up now combined with 2 kids no car, I don't know if I could do that crap.

It is starting to feel like I'm actually accomplishing some shit, and after feeling incompetent for so fucking long it's weird. I still can't keep my house clean, but A) shit's a little busy here, and B) it turns out that one thing doesn't mean I am a horrible incompetent person. It just means my house is messy and I'm dealing with other shit.

Thanks for all the support

[maevele]

Thanks. It's slow, but I think I can see it too.

[sparkymonster]

Your house not being perfectly clean is really not that big considering you have a house, are trying to maintain a safe situation for you and your children, and generally keeping shit together.

[sophygurl]

It's hard to accept this shit so don't beat yourself up for not being able to until now. That you're doing it now is huge. Trust me.

Have you done the thing where you apply for a whole bunch of the different assistance programs at once? You fill out on online application and they tell you everything you're eligible for. It's pretty neat.

There's also always 211 that you can call and they'll hook you up with any and everything they can think of that could help.

[maevele]

Yeah, I went through the theoretically, what could you get calculator on the assistance site, and it looks like I'd be eligible for enough to make this possible. I guess that if they know i'm working with the DV center they can find exceptions and extra help, too, and like, self care and therapy can count towards my work requirement with w-2,and between that and the freelance work I'd meet the requirement without all the job training hoop jumping so I'm calling my worker on monday.