she was cuffed to the truth

I haven't been posting much, so I'll make up for it with a big rum soaked post of various things:

The good friend who violated my kids boundaries some months ago, whom I sorta forgave once hq sorta forgave him is apparently regularly hanging out with the guy who went off on my kid more recently. Which is pretty much no big deal, except since I regularly take the first guys kid, I need to be able to get in touch with him sometimes, and when he says "oh, I'll be at j's house, you can just call me there" it means that I can not get hold of him. He missed out on having me take his kid last weekend because of this, and now I am keeping his kid a second night this time, because I will not call there. I told him why when i picked up his kid thursday, and then when I tried to call him tonight, his girlfriend was all 'he's at J's, you wanna call him there?" and I said, no, I'll just keep the kid an extra night. Dude was supposed to come visit us today before I was gonna give him his kid, because we have barely hung out in months, and he went to j's instead. erg. I'm getting stuck on the practical details because getting into my emotional reactions on this is complicated. Most of my emotional reaction is "hell, they are perfect for each other, and can fuck off together" but it is still odd to me that the two dads of friends of his who have most betrayed HQ's trust are now BFF'S.


It's extra complicated becuse the first guy was really one of my best friends, at a family level, for a long ass time, he is godparent to pobo, even, so bleh.


But I'm making new friends, by reconnecting with old ones, so it's not like i miss him much. Last weekend we hung out with another old friend of mine from high school and his wife and kids, who I reconnected with on facebook. This is the second situation just like that in a month. This family has a bunch of really cool kids, including age match buddies for each of mine. We had one of them sleep over with HQ. I also ran into another old old friend who I lost touch with, at the Y, and she has moved back to town with her kid.


We're also going to the Y regularly, throwing the monkeys into classes and playrooms, so the kids are getting more of a chance to make friends with kids who are not the kids of my friends, since things have worked poorly with the neighbor kids.

I guess my rambly point here is that I am finding it possible now to actually make new friends, who are good people i can trust and respect, so I do not have to hold on desperately to people who have fucked over me or my kids just in order to have friends for me and the kids. Because for a while, I swear to god, more than once I had, if not forgiven someone, at least let them back in my life because "I don't have enough friends to write people off" and y'know, fuck that. I can make better friends.



In smaller shit, I picked up 3 little $1 tomato kits (2 cherry tomato, one full size) at the craft store, and started them last month. They crowded the tiny starter pots, so I transplanted them into bins and buckets and flowerpots. These 3 mini pots? are now something like 35 plants split between 11 containers. I don't know how many are going to survive the transplanting, and I had to bring them all inside from the porch because it is FUCKING SNOWING, but there ought to be some goddamn tomatoes sometime. But I have bad plant luck, so, idek.


Also, I'm kinda going back to my older tastes in music lately. and just actively listening to music I truly love more and more. We got all of my mother in law's cds, so I have like 500? maybe more new cd's, but only a small percent of them are things I am interested in. she has a lot of 80's best of's, so I've been bumping a lot of Prince and Cyndi Lauper, and I have a whole fucking lot of Nina Simone and Miles Davis. HQ has a much nicer selection of beatles cd's now too.

Only place I have access to cd player, really though, is my van. So I'm still using internet music at home, and I discovered grooveshark. holy shit, you can actually listen to what you want. when you want it. without digging through the basement for the cd, or downloading it, and it controls a lot like my music player interface. so I grooved my ass off to ani and tori and tool and nin and soundgarden and and and and andandand on random tonight while I cleaned the house, and accidentally the entire david bowie catalog to my library, so every third track was david bowie which really was not what I was going for, and it is WAY harder to remove an entire artist from your library than to add it. fucking A. song by song, motherfucker. every bowie song. multiple versions. bwahahahaahaah. there are now like 3 bowie songs in my thingie, til I get aorund to adding a reasonable amount thereof. but other than that, I like grooveshark.



watched the last few US aired eps of Shameless, um, last half of series 5? I love that show way to much. Does anyone have the 4-5th series on dvd I could borrow, locally? I missed a butt ton.

going to sleep now

landlord wants to come over this weekend to do the repairs the city asked him to do a couple months back. I had figured I had enough time and energy to make the house presentable for a few friends to comeby this weekend, but not for the goddamn landlord to dig around and fuck with the undersink and shit.


aaaaaargh fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. fuck

so, with the help of a couple of good friends, (REALLY GOOD FRIENDS!) I managed to get the house up to landlord standard and then some, and pull off a mostly hitch free birthday party. (except for the part where her 'whole birthday was RUINED because her balloon got away) My house has maybe never been this clean, although it's the kind of clean where DON'T OPEN THE CLOSETS! NOT THE BASEMENT! I did wind up sorta cleaning HQ's room with a shovel and trash bag as i had threatened, but the stuff had been gone through and was mostly the trash at that point. His bff got a good stack of pokemon cards for helping, that he scored by picking them up out of the giant pile of crapola I was about to throw away when hq was too lazy tired to pick up any more.


Didn't get to do as much planning for the trip as would have made me comfortable, but I've got some restaurant ideas, swimwear in the dryer, and shit, we can wear the same shorts over our same swimsuits for four days if I dont manage to pack or do more laundry. I got sunscreen and rubber shoes. Our room doesn't even have a microwave, so its not like I have to pack food for us to cook there to save money, we're gonna mostly be restauranting it, supplemented with cereal and pbj. Turns out there's a great vegetarian restaurant with a grilled cheese that made food tv's top five or something, so we have to try that, and the hotel is right near Mr Pancake, so, yeah. pancakes. PANCAKES WITH STUFFSES ON THEM.

I just didn't get to make a goddamn list and check shit off, so I'm convinced I'm skipping something that's gonna fuck us.

The baby (not a baby, she's THREE!)is officially big enough for the smallfry coaster this year, as well as a bunch of stuff she was kinda small for last year, so she's really excited, although still worried that we will see the gorilla statue that she hated so much last year, which she will apparently NEVER FORGET AS LONG AS SHE LIVES AND BREATHES.

The motel we're staying at only has wifi in the lobby, so we may not even bring computers. (so I have said, but we all know i will grab my eee and be in the lobby at 2 am.) But if I drop into silence til next week, that's why. If I miss something fabulous or failtastic, I'm sure the internet will live without my input on it.

i'm still planning on cruising back down for book group monday night, but I wont be there as long as i'd like, given that I can talk about that book for over an hour with people who haven't read it.

is there slash fic for any dream will do? just wonderin'

I installed some shit so stinky would have games while we were in the car with no internet, and now, huzzah, I lost my applications menu. I've uninstalled a bunch of shit, and am scouring the net for how to fix this one simply, but it is not looking simple. If I had a usb loaded with ubuntu, i would wipe and reinstall right now, just to be done fucking with it for a minute. and we're leaving town like any hour now, so I can't call my linux guy.


ETA FIXED LIKE A MOTHERFUCK!

Okay, the computer was acting weird, so i cleaned the keyboard, because Z was all, that's what it did last time, and cleaning it worked, and I was like, you sure? so I cleaned it. Then he took it apart and cleaned it, and it was still going SPUNG.


So I had to restore system default, or wtf ever I F9'ed it.

all my bookmarks, passwords, addons are kaput. all my stories were backed up on googledocs, so thats cool, but i'm back to factory settings. I mean, at least it works, right?

I'm off to find all my addons again. wugh.

WHAT ARE JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON MY LAST NERVE.

Really, i been brewing a couple ideas here for a while, but am finally gonna vomit them out.

I do not understand people who talk about all the privileges they did not have as why they don't get white privilege. I grew up welfare poor,(actually social security poor, so i envied welare kids because they got foodstamps and school lunches) no insurance, raised by a widowed alchoholic abuse survivor mom and her mother. I was mentally different to the point where i no longer had sane privilege early on, and was one of like 4 white girls in my neighborhood, i didn't have local majority privilege, and sometimes even got fucked with for being white.


So you'd think if anyone was gonna pull some "what privilege? just because i was white doesn't mean i wasn't OPPRESSED!" BULLLSHIT IT'D BE ME. but instead, when i irst heard the term White Privilege, i was like "holy shit, there's a name for it" an recognized myself in it. Because since white priv was the only one I had, it was really obvious to me that when i was treated diferent than my classmates and neighbors, it was a white thing.

So, it makes my brain explode when people think lack of other privileges cancel out white privilege. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

ALSO, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S PAIN IS THAT YOU CAN NEVER REALLY UNDERSTAND IT LIKE THEY DO.
I could type or an hour about, frex, y labor pains, or my mental episodes, but if you haven't felt them, you can't do more than relate, not understand. So it is not the job of people who have been hurt to try to ake you understand their pain. They can explain what hurt them, and you can FUCKING LISTEN, and try to relate, and accept that ven though you can not understand their pain, it is STILL REAL AS FUCK. AND EVERYONE'S EXPERIENCES OF PAIN WILL BE DIFFERENT.IT DOES NOT MINIMIZE YOUR PAINS TO ACCEPT OTHERS HAVE PAIN TOO.

And as ar as deanding others help you understand, go read, it's out there.

my god, people. stfu.