Soulmate is getting closer to death
Nov. 20th, 2017 01:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maeveleEvery weekend that I try to spend with him. Found out he has stage 4 lung cancer in the spring, have been trying to just enjoy whatever time I have with him since then, but he's getting sicker every time I see him. And he's trying so hard to hide it, but then he just seems miserable and angry at everyone. And that isn't who he is.
And when I'm with him, we're both ignoring it as best we can, because it will kill him faster if he thinks I pity him, or am being kind because he's in pain. So we just pretend it's normal. And even when we are both doing great at pretending he's not fucking dying, and things are great for a bit, that actually hurts more, because that's what I am going to miss the most.
And honestly, I'm not sure if I can survive him dying. I have to, because I have a daughter to raise, but I'm pretty sure she's going to be living with a zombie until either I somehow get over this, or she's old enough I can kill myself to be with him.
And when I'm with him, we're both ignoring it as best we can, because it will kill him faster if he thinks I pity him, or am being kind because he's in pain. So we just pretend it's normal. And even when we are both doing great at pretending he's not fucking dying, and things are great for a bit, that actually hurts more, because that's what I am going to miss the most.
And honestly, I'm not sure if I can survive him dying. I have to, because I have a daughter to raise, but I'm pretty sure she's going to be living with a zombie until either I somehow get over this, or she's old enough I can kill myself to be with him.
