so I'm finally reading the comments here

[maevele]

But Not The Armadillo - On rape and men (Oh yes, I'm going there)

while i wait for my pillow to get out of the dryer, and I am struck by something running through the comments pages, the stories of Those Guys who stepped up and helped a woman in a sketchy situation, and the stories of being in a situation where rape was possible but the guy was not a rapist, there are all these stories of almost rapes, or near assaults, or or pressuring hitting ons, or fear inducing street harrassment, or other near misses, things where quick wits or chance or luck or whatever kept it from getting worse, and they each have one or two. And I go to start a comment, and I realize if i started to document all the times I have been in near-misses, some of which missed less than others, i would be typing for a really, really long time. I can't even count them all, let alone list them. A good couple pages worth of the comments over there, probably.

And maybe it was something in my lifestyle that I was in So Many situations like these women are describing, that i was regularly in situations that allowed these Situations to develop, because i felt that being cautious was living in fear, so i would still hitchhike or be alone with strange men, and usually it worked out okay, but I guess I have more of those stories where it almost went weird than women wo didn't usually hitch, walk at night, live wild, drink with strangers, etc.

But I dont have any of the ones they are sharing where some other That Guy stepped in and defused a Situation. I can not think of one.

I have stories of guys I got drunk with and went to their apartment and they didn't rape me, sure, or where I was being harrassed while walking home and the guy decided to let it drop, but not stories where some other guy stopped the harrassment, or assault.

Also, if we're like, yay! they are that good guy because look, I was drunk and he didn't rape me, do they get a half a cookie for not-quite-raping? The guys who realize it's a bad idea after they've groped you a little? Because they think 'At least I didn't rape her' Because I have those stories.


right now I feel like I have too many stories and they are not the right ones.

Comments

[yeloson.livejournal.com]

Yeah.

All my stories as an ally are the survivor stories- not mine to share, not mine to talk about, but if anything, when you put together the specific dynamics of family, abuse, rape, etc. - I know what evil is.

And I'm pissed anyone, but also people I know and care about, suffered that bullshit.

[coffeeandink.livejournal.com]

This is an important story. I think the other stories you have are important ones, too.

[leeoakfire.livejournal.com]

All I can say to this is "Word". I totally understand, as I have also lived the life you talk about. More than once I have realized I cannot count the number of times I have actually been raped, yet alone count the near-misses. Life can be rough when one lives as a revolutionist. And, it is a total revolutionary act to walk through life as a woman and refuse to wear the burka, or whatever represents the burka for one's societal position. Still, I would rather bear the scars which have taught me lessons than to have "worn the burka". I have always felt a kinship with you as I know you also resist the "burka". Hoping you find a place of peace with it all.

[bifemmefatale.livejournal.com]

I'm a little uncomfortable with your use of the burka as a metaphor here. It seems to say 2 things to me: 1. that no one would freely choose to wear one, when some Afghan and Pakistani women, and indeed, at least one NPR journalist, have said that they chose to do so; and 2. it makes it sound as if you are braver or more revolutionary than the women who do wear the burka every day, when some of those women would be beaten or shot to death by their own families for trying to not wear it. Have you actually faced that level of threat in making the choices you've made? On the whole, it had a whiff of prejudice about it, to me.

[fifi-bonsai.livejournal.com]

I also had a story where, in College, the guy took me home, didn't rape me and bragged about not raping me. It didn't quite fit with the other That Guy story. I thought I'd made myself rape-proof too, with my "boy vibes," my short hair, my big clothes that hid a very skinny, wiry body.

[bibliofile.livejournal.com]

NO, they are still the right stories.

[harborshore.livejournal.com]

No, they're the right stories, they're important stories. Not that you need me to tell you they're worth telling, I just--this, I've seen this so much. "Good guys" who keep groping my best friend throughout the evening and apologize the next day, for one.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

But I dont have any of the ones they are sharing where some other That Guy stepped in and defused a Situation. I can not think of one.

Neither do I. I have a few where That Guy suddenly became inappropriate or outright predatory. That Guys' version of the story probably ends with, "...and I still don't know what her problem was. I didn't do anything."

[upstart-crow.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you have so many. I've lost track of all the sexual assaults/harassment/groping I've experienced (some of it was daily when I was seven years old). So I never know how to enter these discussions. A man almost-raped me last summer too, and I'm just not even ready to talk about that in public. I will say this, though: I've never counted on a man helping me out in those situations, and I get very, very angry very, very fast with men who ask for cookies for what should be decent, human behavior.

I feel like just posting the whole "want to stop rape? don't rape her!" thing that went all around LJ a few years back, but right now I'm not in a good place mentally and I seriously lack the spoons (in the true, disability sense) to deal with trolls.

[popelizbet.livejournal.com]

I only have one story; the story of how all the No in the world wouldn't get the Nice Guy TM that was quasi-stalking me to fuck off, but after I got my male best friend to get shitty with him at my door and explain in small words how he didn't need to come around any more, he's never darkened it again. I called in my reinforcements right at about the time that the dude had gone from "not getting the point" to "hostile" about my not wanting to date him, and yeah, I think that intervention may have saved me some violence on down the line.

But everything else I can think of that's my story to tell, I got out of myself, or didn't. And I have way too many of those stories.