posting an old song

[maevele]

that I wrote at least a half dozen years ago. critique is good. trashing i mercilessly is even good, because I would hate it if it sucks but people have been too nice to say so.


When the rain stops I'm leaving she said,
so you better talk now
I see something brewing in you
that's gonna come out anyhow

she said,
from the look in your eyes you're torn up
and it looks like it's deep
that's your 6th cup of coffee she said,
are you trying not to sleep?

br
and as she stared me down across the table,
I saw recognition in her eyes,
so I started to tell her about you
just to try to untangle the lies


ch
so I gave her the depth of my wanting
and we shared the weight of my denial
and as I told her the way that I need you
she nearly broke me as she broke a smile

your decision is easy, she said.
you know it's your move
if you keep sitting on this
it'll never improve

she said,
you need to take action this time
and need to strike hard
this desire is killing you
time to show your cards

br;
and as she stared me down across the table,
I saw my reflection in her eyes
and she started to tell me a story
that shared the same weave as mine

ch
and she told me how deep she had wanted
and we shared the weight of her denial
and as she told me she'd silenced her need,
tears broke the surface of her smile

When the rain stops I'm leaving she said,
so it looks like it's time
I hope there's an answer for you
that's better than mine

she said
you now know what you need to do
but do you have the nerve
those who don't take the chance,
get what they deserve

Comments

[squigsoup.livejournal.com]

The lyrics have a nice tone; my enjoyment of the song would depend a lot on the arrangement. Low-key piano? Driving guitar? Completely changes the way the song feels to me.

I like the way you have several different verses; the 6th cup of coffee/trying not to sleep line is my favorite.

Sorry I'm not really good at constructive criticism and/or tearing people down; I just know what I like.