oh good lord

so, yeah, there's this guy who was kinda my best friend for a while, but being a drunk asshole made him fuck us over enough that he's now someone I put up with because our kids are friends, and I enjoy his company sometimes but count on him for nothing. I don't have a word for that relationship. other than maybe Family?

anyhow, he came and hung out tonight because Z didn't realize he was drunk when he went to pick up his kid, and we hung out and talked and so on. And one of the things we talked about, at great length, was his fucking homophobia and what it would mean if his son is gay. And he said, y'know, he'd still love him even if he was "fruity" and I told him that if he hasn't explicitly told the kid that, what the kid actually knows is the homophobic bullshit he's overheard his dad say, and he would probably never fucking tell him.

But he's like freaking out about trying to have this conversation with his 11 yr old, and I'm like 11 years old and you've never mentioned that you'll love him no matter who he falls in love with? And he's still like "Do I HAVE to talk to him?" and I'm like, "well, I could, but you're his dad, dude" and he's all, "Oh, you'd do that? awesome!"

And since dude would make a mess of it, I'm going to try to work conversation around subtly to "So you know how your dad is kinda an ass about queer people? Even so, he'd still totally love you if you liked boys. And if he acts like an idiot about this or anything else, you can always come here."


BUT I HAVE HANDHELD THIS MOTHERFUCKER THROUGH SO MUCH PRIVILEGE, AND JUST WANT TO PUNCH HIM.

This started as one thing, and I dunno, man, it just changed.

I am sick of being that person who gets all worked up, the resident give-a-shitter. Like, it's apparently a joke among people who know me IRL, that you can get me going easy by saying something sexist or homophobic or whatever. or alluding to the stereotype of nit picking SJers. Earlier this week, a friend of mine was all "I'll be a Fireman! Oh, I mean Fire*woman*! don't wanna get staci all pissed off" and gives me the knowing laugh. And I couldn't just stab her, because she had cooked dinner and is a good friend of mine who is actually a fucking feminist just doesn't talk about it. And it's not like I'm some big activist, constantly calling people out, I let so much shit slide, just suck it up and remember the reasons I love these people and try not to hold it against them, because I don't have that many people who mostly get it, so I take what I can get.

and then the thing tonight, with "Oh, I have issues about queer people! I'd better hash them out with maev, since she's the only one gives a shit about this stuff" and my goddamn mother, reassuring me every couple of weeks that if I had been gay it would have been fine with her, because she is SO MOVED by the queer related shit I post on facebook. NOT LIKE I DIDN'T COME OUT TO HER HALF MY LIFE AGO. and have done so since. Not like I dated girls. Not like, considering my gender confusion, I like guys in a not very straight way. She sees me as a girl, I married a guy. that "other stuff" doesn't count anymore. But she wants to make sure I know she feels so horrible about the way gay people get treated.


Funny story. I came out as bi to my mom when I was 18 and had been out socially for like 2 years, because when she and my gram found out I was seeing a black guy, my mom actually fucking said "I'd rather you were gay!" I didn't come out right then, but the next time I was alone with my mom, I was like, "so, remember that shit you said...yeah. It could just as easily have been a chick, this is why I never tell you people who I am dating." and there was probably another fight, where she tried to be accepting and I was like, "But if it had been a black woman?" and shortly after I was getting out of the car, idk. But she forgets THE WHOLE FUCKING THING, and all the rest, every time I post something queer rightsish on facebook, and has to reassure me how cool she would have been if I were a lesbian. And like, she does mean really well. She doesn't mean to disappear me, or patronize me. and has gay friends, and is good to them, and will tell you all about them, and gets pronouns right when talking about trans people most of the time, depending on tense. Why no, my mother knows nothing about my gender identity, why do you ask?

and yeah, she's "Much Better" on the racism thing since back then. She even voted for Obama. And she's pretty good at watching what she says. But it's still horribly embarrassing that I call out other people for that shit in public, so I don't really go around the people she hangs out with.


And the last goddamn conversations I actually had with my mother in law before she died, were her telling me "I'm not usually that comfortable with LGBT* people, but these lesbians I recently met, I had a real connection with them" and then the big ass confrontation of me going, "You could have told me you were uncomfortable with LGBT people, since, um, I am at least a couple of those letters, and I'd hate to have been so rude as to have spent time with someone whom I make uncomfortable, eat ass." and then she died before I really was done working that shit out with her.


*note, I use lgbt because that was her choice of terms in that conversation, and I had some fury over "so careful to pick the word you think is most PC, but not to keep quiet about your discomfort with "those people" aaaaargh"


Holy shit. I decided to have a rant. I guess the shit tonight fucked with me more than I thought.