maevele | I thought

that separation meant we wouldn't see each other so damn much, but I guess that might take some time. He came back over after he looked at this one apartment to talk more and to fill out the application for the place, dropped it off on the way back out to where he's staying. So he's found the place he wants, and dropped off the earnest money check and everything, so in theory once he has his own place we will be more separate, but then again, it's like 8-10 blocks from here, so not much more separate, close enough that at least HQ can walk over on his own, although it'll be a while for po. He is so different with the kids now that he's seen what was wrong, so I don't have hesitation about him having the kids whenever. Not that he was ever as ragey at the kids as at me, but now that the denial is going away, I can see that it would have gotten worse for them. We were talking today about handling visitation by trading apartments for his weekends, so the kids wouldn't have to crunch into his little apartment every visit, and then I'd go stay at his place when he had the kids. He caved in and talked to someone at his work about the general situation, so now he can take a couple days off to move and get his shit together without panicking that he'll get fired for asking. His boss will even lend him the BIG FUCKING TRUCK so he can get all his shit in one load. It's going to be tight, but his friday paycheck will cover all his moving costs if he gets this apartment. He won't be able to kick in shit towards our place out of this check, but I can keep above water until he can help again, I think, thanks to the internet, and it's worth being poor as it takes to have him in his own place so I can move on. It's amazing not to be so afraid of him. Of course, when he couldn't find something here I got all panicky about making sure he didn't get mad because he couldn't find it because the place is so messy so I'm still afraid, but less so. And when I saw how sad he looked when he realized why I was reacting the way I was, instead of getting mad at me for acting like he was mad, that helped me to be a little less afraid of him too. We're much better without the pressure of being together.

Holy crap, i have gotten really wordy lately.