still/always

[maevele]

thinking about my gender stuff. I think the most important thing I can do right now is fucking stop trying to figure this shit out. I need to come to terms with the fact that even if I do figure something out, it's not going to change any big part of my life from this point. Whatever I am is what I have been all along, and I'm just seeing how fluid that is. Feeling as though my body is supposed to be different doesn't mean I'm a guy, and feeling that transitioning's not worth the complications in my life for the results, doesn't mean I'm a woman. So yeah, I have to settle for genderqueer being as close to a fitting label as I can slap on, even if it's too broad. I want a noun, not an adjective. It's more of a language crisis than an actual identity issue, I think.





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Comments

[aris_tgd]

One of my friends who is more local, talking about gender, said, "When people ask if I want to be male or female, it feels like they're asking if I want a car or a bicycle, when what I really want is a pair of wings."

[zaluzianskya]

Sometimes I think language is deliberately constructed for the purpose of keeping us down.

[rhivolution]

Yeah, this. My feelings are similar. I don't really know what to do with myself about it.

So not like I have advice or good words, just saying you aren't alone there.

[maevele]

Thanks, that helps.

[axelrod]

Um so much yes but more succinctly than I ever manage. Can I quote it? With or without whatever attribution you prefer.

Also, pronouns? Probably you've said :/

[maevele]

Sure, quote away, attributed. I'm fucking thrilled it resonated with you.

and pronouns. aaargfh. "They" is what I'm closest to comfortable with. But neither of the others are really wrong.

[axelrod]

I feel the same way about "they". It's like, if people must refer to me in the third person, I guess they might as well use that one bc I don't know what any of the neologisms connote.

HEY MAYBE WE HAVE THE SAME GENDER.

It would be fun to say so, anyway. I mean, we're making everything else up as we go along :p

[maevele]

It would be nice to feel as though I weren't the only whatever I am. We're at least in the same area, I think.

[axelrod]

~comfortable enough with being female, but ideally would be somewhat different?
~pronouns are obnoxious?
~neutral-to-androgynous presentation? short hair a must, binder negotiable?
~transmasculine, as in, having a sense of one's masculinity (whatever the fuck "masculinity" means)?

I like having a vagina, I only know you don't like having one when it comes to pelvic exams and I can hardly blame you. I think I'll come to be just as fond of my cock once I get over all the fear/shame/goddamn fucking internalized transphobia/not being convinced I'm attractive generally.

[zillah975]

I think this is very wise and insightful.

[bibliofile]

Sounds like a plan. Which you can change again, later, if you need to. Yeah, language can be great but does have gaps.