maevele | after a hard week (Reply)

there was this drunk girl at the bar on saturday, who decided the fact that I was waiting for my friend meant that my friend must be an asshole who took me for granted and was using me. So she started aggressively trying to pick me up, which was cool, and then when my friend showed she started in on trying to pick him up, which was also cool. But one of her main methods, other than biting me, was to talk about what a beautiful "full figured" woman I am, and rubbing my belly. And I told her, I used to have an eating disorder, I am finding these comments triggering, and she said she understood but then kept on and on, getting more intense about it. Until I got up in tears from where we had gone to snuggle by the river and went back to the bar and got smashed.

I haven't kept my defenses up about the eating disorder shit because it hasn't fucked with me for years, and I have been so proud of myself for being over 150 finally, because when my depression is bad I lose weight too so once she started poking me in it, both literally and metaphorically, telling me what a hot big girl I am or whatever, it all fucking came back, hard as fuck. Like, I puked that night. And have maybe eaten two meals worth of food since saturday. On top of everything else I am dealing with right now, I can't fight those messages the way I need to.

I know I am not supposed to be a skinny girl, but the voices in my head are screaming at me about how far I am from my old "goal weight" and I ca't deal with it.